Don’t Assume: A Parenting Lesson in Communicating with Teens

Have you ever felt like your kids or teens assume the worst — even when you’re genuinely trying to help? That’s been my week.

Conversations with teens aren’t always easy, but they matter.

The other night at dinner, I got up to stir something on the stove. I was literally four feet away, still listening to the conversation, but my kids instantly got upset. “You’re not listening!” they said.

So much of family connection — and frustration — happens right at the dinner table.

Inside, I was thinking, Seriously? I’m right here, and I heard everything. Instead of calmly explaining, I came back to the table already irritated.

Later, in therapy, my counselor suggested something simple but powerful:

➡️ Instead of reacting defensively, try saying, “Please don’t assume I’m not listening. I understand it might look like I’m not paying attention, but just ask me.”

That hit me. Because the truth is, so much of our tension comes from assumptions:

• They assume I’m not listening.

• They assume I’m nagging when I’m actually teaching.

• They assume I’m attacking when I’m just pointing out something small.

  
  

And honestly? I make assumptions too.

So, my current work is practicing new words when frustration builds:

• “That wasn’t my intent.”

• “Please don’t assume — just ask for clarification.”

• “I don’t want to hurt your feelings. That wasn’t my goal.”

  
  

It’s not easy (especially in the heat of the moment), but having these phrases ready helps me pause before I react.

Taking a pause before reacting can change the entire conversation.

Because here’s the big takeaway: clarifying instead of assuming changes everything.

We can’t control how our kids (or anyone, really) reacts. But we can control how we respond — with calm words that invite understanding instead of defensiveness.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s the beginning of less conflict and more connection.